Gentle parenting has recently got a bad reputation. Parents are loving, having good intentions but are raising out of control kids. How did that happen? I think I know. It’s the boundaries.
When I first thought about writing a post on setting boundaries with kids, I was excited but also nervous at the same time because honestly, I did not know where to start. I realized it’s such a simple process, but getting there as a mother, I have to admit took me the longest, especially with my strong-willed first born.
So let me start by defining what setting boundaries really means, because it is means different things to different mothers.
I disagree with the idea that setting boundaries means punishing our kids, imposing timeouts or shaming them, or even praising them and offering rewards.
Setting boundaries simply means letting our children know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. What the rules are. And how you let them know, is what I am trying to explain here.
Communicate boundaries clearly and matter of fact
We let them know by first communicating boundaries clearly and then respectfully enforcing it.
For example, when my daughter was a 1-year-old, she was at a stage where she wants to explore everything under the sky, edible, non-edible, even poop – which is developmentally appropriate.
I want to encourage her exploration skill, because that’s the right step towards independence, but at the same time I do not want her to touch unsafe things, put things in her mouth, play with items that are off limits and definitely stay away from poop :).
So, when she is intrigued for example by a switchboard and wants to touch it, I communicate with her as clearly and matter-of-factly as I can with a 1-year-old child.
I do not talk to her as I would talk with an adult and I would also not just say no no no, because to a 1-year-old that might mean I am saying no to her interest for exploring.
I would simply go close, block her hand and very calmly, respectfully say these words, “You want to touch this switchboard, I see that but I can’t let you, this is not safe”.
She looks at me for a minute and then drifts off to something else. Another day or another time, she tries to touch it again. I repeat “you want to touch it, but I can’t let you, this is not safe”.
As time passes, and she repeatedly gets the same message with the same calmness, respect and confidence, she understands that this object is something she should not explore.
Setting Boundaries doesn’t mean Strict
It is common for parents to assume that setting boundaries means using a stern, strict tone to communicate. However, when we do that, we shift the focus from communicating the boundary to our emotion and what results is a consequent power struggle.
Therefore, I can’t stress enough on how important it is to keep communication with children clear, age appropriate, brief to the point and devoid of any emotions. (this will really decide whether you succeed in setting boundaries or end up getting stuck in a power struggle).
Think of it as if you are briefing a small little person who’s still very new in this world but is full of excitement and enthusiasm to explore. They want to know everything about their world which also includes boundaries.
But if we put any kind of emotion into communicating boundaries, it then becomes a testing ground for them not because they intentionally want to trouble us but because children are inherently curious.
They would now be more interested in exploring what made us so emotional about it. Children want their parents to be calm, confident leaders. An emotional leader doesn’t seem confident. Right?. So keep it matter of fact when communicating boundaries. Emotions can be saved for later.
When we started using a pram for my daughter, my husband and I were confused about where to station it. Next to the main door seemed ideal place, but that also meant that she could easily go and touch its wheels, (which we didn’t want, for obvious reasons).
So, after a back and forth of ideas and reaching no conclusion, we temporarily suspended our discussion which means the pram was not moved.
As expected, when my daughter started crawling, she went near the pram trying to touch its wheels.
Luckily i was right in time and this is what I did. I stopped her hands gently, pointed to the pram and very calmly shook my head and said “you want to touch the pram, but I can’t let you.” I said this two times.
She did the same thing multiple times on different occasions, and I would do my part in the same way multiple times. After some days, she would go everywhere in the room but bypass the pram. We finally did not have to remove the pram or worry about her touching the wheels.
I have communicated, using the same method about every boundary that I want to implement in my house. It is so endearing to see her navigate the entire room, understand and honor every boundary.
We let them know by Understanding that there are Really No bad kids
How you perceive your kids will not only determine how you set a boundary, but it will also determine your relationship with your kid and how safe and respected he/she feels. I love the book No bad kids by Janet Lansbury, for the fact that it’s true – there are no bad kids. Children are the most pure and innocent creation of GOD. I totally believe that.
However, when we see our child break a rule, or behave “badly” and smirk, it is challenging for us to stay on that belief isn’t it?
it’s common for parents to worry, feel threatened and assume that their child is getting out of hand and needs to be taught a lesson – the reason why many of us resort to threats, punishments or feel they need to use reward or praise to create good behavior.
But the truth is, and not many parents know, is that children’s behavior is a direct reflection of their feelings.
If we allow children to be their authentic, true selves, they will behave good when they actually feel good and behave badly when they are uncomfortable, stressed or upset. With a baby, who acts cranky when they are not feeling well, or is hungry or tired or has an unmet need, we see that directly.
But with toddlers or older children there is so much emphasis on “taming the behavior” that we just cannot see beyond that. We forget to ask ourselves ‘why is my child behaving like this’?
Bad behavior, for lack of a better word is a symptom. Since children are immature and unable to understand and articulate their feelings into words, their feelings are often communicated through behavior.
It is not that they are purposely behaving badly, but they just cannot do better because they are caught up in their own uncomfortable feelings.
So, when you see your child lashing out, or throwing something or being outrightly obnoxious, be assured that you are not a bad parent, and neither is your kid bad. He is feeling something- scared, anxious, unloved, or just overstimulated, tired, hungry- in fact kids go through so much as they are constantly developing.
So, does that mean we let our kids be brats and monsters? Absolutely not. We want our children to learn and follow boundaries. We want them to be well behaved.
However, the responsibility of enforcing the boundaries should be, as parents, entirely ours. What I mean here is that our children will lot of times need our help to stop their behavior physically and set the boundary. Brings me to my next point.
We let them know by calmly and Respectfully but firmly enforcing boundaries
Boundaries can be set successfully only when as parents we take the full responsibility of enforcing it. (This is sooooooooo crucial for parents to understand).
It is true that we are in a relationship with our children. But it is also true that in this relationship we are the adults, and therefore the mature ones (hopefully).
Children are immature (even older kids). So, expecting them to follow a boundary and making sure that it is enforced, is setting us up for failure and frustration. It is the main reason why we yell at them eventually because we’ve asked them not to colour on the couch, not to touch poop, once, twice, thrice, and they are still doing it.
However, if we turn our roles and understand them more accurately, we will understand what a waste of time and effort it is to repeat. Remember it is your boundary, so it is your job to enforce it.
Children’s job is to test it. Infact a child who is not testing boundaries, is probably not feeling safe to doing his job. But if you do not give it power, it does not become a power struggle.
So, after stating the rule once, I will very calmly and respectfully say, ” I do not want you to colour on the couch, can you do it on the table instead? My child listens but ignores and continues to colour.
The next time, instead of repeating my statement, I go near him, calmly but confidently remove the colours from his hand, and say “I am not comfortable with you using the colours on the couch, I can see you are having trouble listening right now, I am going to keep it away”.
I do not get mad at him because I do not see him as doing something purposely to trigger me, I understand he is lost in his feelings and he is unable to comply now, be a good boy, he needs my help.
The difference between simply shouting orders at our children and physically enforcing the boundary is that in this scenario, we hold the power and take control. We do not give our children the power to upset or anger us by engaging in a power struggle.
When we negotiate, threaten or yell we are basically giving too much power to our kids.
We understand that in this relationship I am the leader and my child will a lot of times need my help to stop his behavior physically and set my boundary. Infact when you stop your child from doing the behavior, calmly confidently and respectfully, your child will immediately have a meltdown and get an outlet to release his feelings.
That is the beauty of respectful boundary setting. it treats the cause – pent up feelings that need a release. And when that happens acknowledge your child feelings
We let them know by acknowledging their feelings
When you enforce the boundary calmly, respectfully and confidently, your child will finally get an opportunity to explode, process and get a release of his feelings.
He will now be able to bring the feelings to the surface. He will cry, have a meltdown, go into a rage or even yell and/or try to hit you (which should be stopped by blocking his hands and letting him know calmly that you can’t let him hit).
Hold space for his feelings from the beginning till end but do not give his behavior power. Let him know that it is ok to have all feelings including the urge to hit and throw but you are going to stop him from acting on it. “I understand you feel like hitting but i am not going to let you do that, i will hold your hands.” If you are too busy, then just nod.
Give him the overall message that you see him, hear him, understand him and you are there to stop his impulses. Your child will feel safe when they know that they are not bad for having these feelings and you are there to help them stop, when they can’t stop themselves. This is how they learn to regulate their feelings and consequently their behavior.
We all want our children to feel loved and accepted and trust us with their feelings, but the problem is we fail to understand how young children confide. They do it by having a meltdown, going into a rage, yelling. And the only way they can do it is when they feel understood, accepted and loved during their most ugly, vulnerable state.
“You did not like I took the colors, you got so upset I see that”. See this as the most positive form of therapy that you can do with your child.
So that he doesn’t feel wrong or bad for having these feelings but his feelings are processed out of his body and he can be good again, all the while learning a very important lesson – it is ok to have a feeling to hit, but it is not ok to actually hit.
Until my next one, share your thoughts, joys, pains, surprises and shocks of parenting…