Being a mother is impossible. You not only have to get done an endless list of things, from the moment you wake up, if at all you have slept, but you are supposed to do it gracefully with a smile. I realized after becoming a mother, that I was no longer entitled to my feelings.
I could not cry, scream, vent, scorn, frown, all of which I could do earlier but not anymore – I am under the microscope – my kid is watching me. No one really prepares you for this and worse no one really gets you. If at all you do let your emotions out, you are labelled, a momzilla, a bad mom, a drama queen.
Because, the fact is children are our mirrors and imitators. They reflect back to us our feelings and behavior by imitating it. (Proven repeatedly in my house). If I am calm, my kids are calm too. But if I am stressed and erratic the same gets reflected in their behavior, as if they’re showing me the mirror and asking me to get my act together.
No wonder, the phrase “mitti dalo” (meaning just bury the hatchet) is such a profoundly used philosophy by Indian mothers. Cause they realize the importance of being unshakeable amidst all storms and they probably also understand that the storm shall pass.
” this too shall pass,” the famous quote of Magda Gerber. Realizing that, yes, the storm does pass is what gave me hope and strength, when I felt overwhelmed with motherhood.
It allowed me to drop my shoulders, unfrown, get in touch and have a dialogue with my feelings that eventually led me to a place of calm my children so badly needed.
Staying calm and unruffled, as Janet Lansbury says, is the most important objective to strive for as a mother. As difficult as this is to achieve, it is absolutely needed for our children to thrive. Because if our children have to worry about us, they cannot be themselves. So how do we make this achievable for ourselves? Let me try
Motherhood is not perfect so Stop being a perfectionist
This was definitely my biggest obstacle when it came to staying calm. Everything in my life had to be perfect- from how my house was organized, to how my kids looked and behaved. I did not even realize how much pressure I was putting on myself, which of course is a perfect recipe for becoming disastrously overwhelmed.
With kids, the only thing that is really necessary is to take your next step.
Me in my mind “what is needed to be done now, this very moment” ok focus on that.
It’s ok if the kitchen is a bit cluttered, meals are less than perfect, and you don’t have a smile on your face when u wake up, remember it is a phase that will pass.
Calmness Mantra – Mind over Matter
While emotions are very important and the fuel behind everything in our lives, it does us no good, if we let it take over our minds.
Our minds are our most powerful tool, if we use it correctly to plan, prioritize and execute. Click here to learn about creating predictable routines.
So, if there is a lot you need to do, and you find yourself getting overwhelmed, stop and think for a few minutes. Speak in an affirmative voice and tell yourself ” It will get done”.
Focus 100% on just what needs to be done, moment to moment, especially if you are being pulled in multiple directions.
For example, if you are cooking and your baby wakes up really hungry, switch off the stove and feed your baby first.
But if your baby is fed and still wakes up but doesn’t really need anything, then continue to finish your cooking. If he is crying and calling for you, tell him periodically I hear you, I will be back in sometime to be with you.
Keep some toys near him and get back to cooking, checking on him every now and then.
Don’t for once feel guilty about neglecting your baby because you aren’t. You haven’t ignored his needs; you are only not giving him what he wants at the moment. Which brings me to my next point
Learn the difference between wants and needs and say no to children
A big reason why we feel overwhelmed is because we feel responsible for everything our child does or feels. Whatever our child demands, doesn’t have to be catered to.
It is ok to say no to wants. Let me explain. Children have needs and they have wants.
The needs are basic and straightforward – you provide food, rest, emotional nurturing, a cognitive challenging environment, safety and hygiene. Anything other than that is a want.
Your child wants to be carried all the time, he doesn’t need it; your child wants to sit on your lap, he doesn’t need it.
Saying no honestly and respectfully to your child when he wants something but you cannot provide comfortably is a good thing.
It might upset your child in the moment, but he will quickly get over it as he understands your boundaries. It is not only good for your sanity but will also teach your child one of the most important lessons – how to say no when you need to.
This is how it will look in practice ” you want me to carry you, I hear that, but right now I won’t be able to do that, as I am tired. But I would love to carry you to bed at bedtime”.
Communicate with your child/family
The feeling of being overwhelmed is fueled by the fact that we are being judged and misunderstood.
We know that by feeling this way, my children or family might see me as bad, or I am hurting them if I am not giving them what they want.
A good way to get rid of this layer of fear is through authentic communication.
When we are not in our best of moods, and we need to do a lot, we can tell our children calmly ” you know I have to focus on my work right now, so I won’t answer all your questions right now. Don’t forget to ask me later when I will sit with you. I would love to answer”.
Or to your husband who is expecting a scrumptious dinner “I would love to cook that for you over the weakened when I have more time, but today I just don’t feel like it.”
Being honest about what you can do or not do will prevent you from getting angry, breed resentment or frustration and it also lets the other parties know that your feelings are yours and that it is not their fault.
Give a place and time to your emotions
In order to remain centered, it is important to address your emotions at the right time, right place and in the right way, not in front of your kids.
But when you are having time to yourself, think about how you felt and why.
Let all feelings (frustration, guilt, anger, resentment) come up and sit with you. Recognize and observe your feelings without judging them as good or bad.
Zoom out, and try to understand from a practical perspective what made you panic. You might try to understand, ok, maybe I was trying to make everyone happy when I couldn’t do it. Maybe I was multitasking way too much. Maybe I am tired, because I haven’t been sleeping well.
Really go down the rabbit hole of your feelings and thoughts. A good way to do this is by journaling.
Once you start doing this as an exercise, you will find that all the feelings slowly start to go away. It does pass.
Over time as you get better at experiencing your emotions., you can start doing this at the moment when you are overwhelmed.
Just stop and observe ‘ok I am feeling something, why? That kind of internal dialogue will get you to the place of calm. The key to building resilience is to gain the ability to recognize and deal with your emotions by yourself.
You cannot panic proof yourself, but you can build and strengthen your resilience like a muscle with practice. Each time you do it, you will discover strength that you did not know you had.
So, if you are struggling and feeling overwhelmed, remember you are not wrong, this too shall pass.
Infact, this is how it is supposed to feel. When you haven’t gotten a proper night’s rest for a long time, when you have been trying to make a colicky baby sleep for almost 4 hours, this is how it is supposed to feel. When you wake up in the middle of the night from your deepest sleep to feed/change of diaper and sometimes for no reason, this is how it is supposed to feel.
When you are recovering from post-partum, feel alone, but know you cannot give up, this is how it is supposed to feel. If we want our children to accept and love themselves, we have to first love and accept ourselves. Your child will accept you and love you no matter what – that definitely is reassuring. Isn’t it?
Until my next one, share your delights, pains and surprises of parenting