If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same instruction to your child until your voice gets louder and louder, you’re not alone.

Setting a boundary doesn’t have to mean yelling, threatening or turning every disagreement into a power struggle. it is possible to be both calm and firm.

The key is to separate the boundary from your emotion.

Join me as I explore the 3-step approach to setting boundaries and how it can transform the way we respond to some of the hardest moments in parenting.

Boundaries sit at the heart of cultivating a loving but effective relationship with your child.

If boundaries are working, children listen, cooperate and comply. if not, it leads to chaos, stress and raised voices, and a feeling of complete failure as a parent.

However, while setting boundaries is Simple, it is not Easy.

I realized it’s such a simple process, but getting there as a mother, took me the longest, especially with my strong-willed first born

What Does It Mean to Set a Boundary With a Child?

A boundary isn’t a threat.

It isn’t a punishment.

its isnt about praising them and offering rewards to make them behave

And it isn’t about controlling every choice your child makes.

Setting boundaries simply means letting our children know what is acceptable and what isnt.

What the rules are – and how we communicate and enforce them—is what I want to explore here.

How to Set Boundaries With Kids Without Yelling

Communicate boundaries clearly and matter of fact

A boundary becomes much more meaningful when our actions match our words.

Therefore, first communicate boundaries clearly and then respectfully enforce it.

For example, when my daughter was 1-year-old, she was at a stage where she wanted to explore everything in Sight.

Edible.

Non-edible.

Interesting.

Uninteresting.

And yes—even poop. 🙂

That’s developmentally understandable. Babies and toddlers learn about their world through exploration.

I wanted to encourage her exploration skill, because that’s the right step towards independence.

But at the same time, I did not want her to touch unsafe things, put things in her mouth, play with items that are off limits and definitely stay away from poop :).

So, when she is intrigued for example by a switchboard and wants to touch it, I communicated with her as clearly and matter-of-factly as I could with a 1-year-old child.

I didn’t talk to her as I would talk to an adult.

And I didn’t simply say:

“No, no, no!”

Because to a one-year-old, that could easily sound like I was saying no to her interest in exploring rather than communicating what specifically was unsafe.

Instead, I would go close, gently block her hand and calmly say:

“You want to touch this switchboard, I see that, but I can’t let you, this is not safe”.

She used to look at me for a minute and then drift off to something else.

Another day—or another time—she would try to touch it again.

And I would repeat:

“You want to touch it, but I can’t let you. This is not safe.”

As time passed, she repeatedly received the same message with the same calmness, respect and confidence.

Eventually, she understood that this was an object she wasn’t going to explore.

And that, for me, was the beginning of understanding something important:

A boundary doesn’t have to be loud to be firm.

Setting Boundaries doesn’t mean being Strict

It is common for parents to assume that setting boundaries means using a stern, strict tone to communicate.

But when we do that, it’s easy for the focus to shift from communicating the boundary to communicating our emotion.

And that’s when a boundary can turn into a power struggle

This is why I can’t stress enough how important it is to keep communication with children:

• Clear

• Age-appropriate

• Brief

• Matter-of-fact

• Focused on the behavior rather than the child’s character.

Think of it as if you are briefing a small little person who’s still very new in this world but is full of excitement and enthusiasm to explore.

They want to know everything about their world.

And boundaries are part of that world too.

Avoid Power Struggles: Keep Emotion Out of It

If we put any kind of emotion into communicating boundaries, it then becomes a testing ground for kids.

Our child may become interested in our reaction.

We become more frustrated.

They become more upset.

We repeat ourselves.

They resist.

We get louder.

And suddenly the original boundary is nowhere to be seen.

Not because they intentionally want to trouble us but because children are inherently curious.

They would now be more interested in exploring what made us so emotional about it.

Children want their parents to be calm, confident leaders. An emotional leader doesn’t seem confident. Right?.

So keep it matter of fact when communicating boundaries.

Emotions can be saved for later.

Be Consistent in Action not Repetitive in Words

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about setting boundaries with children.

You don’t necessarily need more words. You often need more consistency.

When we started using a pram for my daughter, my husband and I were confused about where to station it.

Next to the main door seemed ideal.

But that also meant that she could easily go and touch its wheels – which we didn’t want, for obvious reasons.

So, after a back and forth of ideas and reaching no conclusion, we temporarily suspended our discussion.

Which meant the pram stayed exactly where it was.

Luckily, I was right there.

I stopped her hands gently, pointed to the pram and calmly said:

“You want to touch the pram, but I can’t let you.”

I said it twice.

She tried again.

And again.

And each time, I did my part in the same way.

I didn’t get louder.

I didn’t become angry.

I didn’t give a long explanation.

I simply repeated the boundary and helped her follow it.

After some days, she would crawl all around the room but bypass the pram.

We finally didn’t have to move it or constantly worry about her touching the wheels.

I had communicated the boundary.

And then I had consistently enforced it.

I’ve used this same basic approach with many of the boundaries we’ve introduced in our home.

And it is incredibly endearing to watch your child navigate a room and begin to understand what is—and isn’t—okay.

Remember: There Are No “Bad” Kids

How you perceive your child will influence how you set boundaries.

It will also influence your relationship with them and, importantly, how safe and respected they feel in that relationship.

I love the book No bad kids by Janet Lansbury, for the fact that it’s true – there are no bad kids.

Children are the purest and most innocent creation of GOD. I totally believe that.

However, when we see our child break a rule, or behave “badly” and smirk, it is challenging for us to stay on that belief isn’t it?

it’s common for parents to worry, feel threatened and assume that their child is getting out of hand.We may think:

“They need to learn a lesson.” – the reason why many of us resort to threats, punishments or feel they need to use reward or praise to create good behavior.

But in my opinion not many parents know, is that children’s behavior is a direct reflection of their feelings.

If we allow children to be their authentic, true selves, they will behave good when they actually feel good and behave badly when they are uncomfortable, stressed or upset.

With a baby, who acts cranky when they are not feeling well, or is hungry or tired or has an unmet need, we see that directly.

But with toddlers or older children there is so much emphasis on “taming the behavior” that we just cannot see beyond that.

We forget to ask ourselves a more useful question

‘why is my child behaving like this’?

Bad behavior, for lack of a better word is a symptom.

Since children are immature and unable to understand and articulate their feelings into words, their feelings are often communicated through behavior.

It is not that they are purposely behaving badly, but they just cannot do better because they are caught up in their own uncomfortable feelings.

Nobody is BAD -Create a Distance between Feelings and Behavior

So, when you see your child lashing out, or throwing something or being outrightly obnoxious, remind yourself

Your child isn’t bad. And you’re not a bad parent.

Something may be going on underneath the behavior.

Maybe they’re scared.

Maybe they’re anxious.

Maybe they’re tired.

Maybe they’re hungry.

Maybe they’re overstimulated.

Maybe they’re simply having a very difficult moment. In fact kids go through so much as they are constantly developing.

So, does that mean we let our kids be brats and monsters?

Absolutely not. We want our children to learn and follow boundaries. We want them to be well behaved.

However, the responsibility of enforcing the boundaries should be, as parents, entirely ours.

What I mean here is that our children will lot of times need our help to stop their behavior physically and set the boundary.

And that brings me to the next—and perhaps most important—part of this approach.

Calmly, Respectfully and Firmly Enforce the Boundary

oundaries can only be effective when we take responsibility for enforcing them.

This is so important for parents to understand.

Yes, we are in a relationship with our children.

But we are also the adults.

Our children are still immature (even older kids).

So, expecting them to follow a boundary and making sure that it is enforced, is setting us up for failure and frustration.

And this is often where the yelling begins.

We’ve said:

“Don’t colour on the couch.”

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

And they’re still colouring.

So we say it louder.

And louder.

And eventually we’re yelling.

But what if, instead of repeating ourselves, we took responsibility for enforcing our own boundary?

Enforce the Boundary When Your Child Can’t

However, if we turn our roles and understand them more accurately, we will understand what a waste of time and effort it is to repeat. Remember it is your boundary, so it is your job to enforce it.

Children’s job is to test it.

But if you do not give it power, it does not become a power struggle.

Let’s go back to the colouring example.

I might say:

“I don’t want you to colour on the couch. You can colour on the table instead.”

My child listens.

Then ignores me.

And continues colouring.

The next time, instead of repeating myself, I go over calmly and remove the colours from the couch.

I might say:

“I’m not comfortable with you using the colours on the couch. I’m going to put them away for now. We can use them at the table.”

I’m not angry.

I’m not trying to frighten him.

I’m not trying to prove who’s in charge.

I’m simply enforcing the boundary.

There’s an important difference between shouting an order and calmly taking action to uphold a boundary.

When we do the latter, we aren’t asking our child to do something they’re currently struggling to do.

We’re helping them.

And that’s a very different mindset from:

“Why won’t you listen to me?”

Instead, it becomes:

“You’re struggling to stop right now, so I’m going to help you stop.”

That shift alone can take a tremendous amount of pressure out of parenting.

Your Child Doesn’t Have to Be Your Opponent

I understand that in this relationship I am the leader and my child will a lot of times need my help to stop his behavior physically and set my boundary.

I don’t get mad at my child because I don’t see them as purposely trying to trigger me.

I try to remember that they are still learning.

They may be caught up in their feelings.

They may genuinely be struggling with an impulse.

They may need my help.

That doesn’t mean I surrender the boundary.

It means I enforce it without turning my child into the enemy.

And when I don’t give the behavior the power to make me angry, there is much less opportunity for a power struggle to develop.

In fact when you stop your child from doing the behavior, calmly confidently and respectfully, your child will most likely have a meltdown and get an outlet to release his feelings.

Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

Now comes the part that I think completes respectful boundary setting.

The boundary stays. The feelings are allowed.

When you enforce the boundary calmly, respectfully and confidently, your child will finally get an opportunity to explode, process and get a release of his feelings.

He will now be able to bring the feelings to the surface.

Your child may cry.

They may scream.

They may have a meltdown.

They may even try to hit.

The behavior still needs to be stopped.

But the feeling underneath it doesn’t have to be punished.

For example, if your child tries to hit you, you can calmly block their hands and say:

“I understand you feel like hitting, but I’m not going to let you hit me. I’m going to help you keep your hands safe.”

You can hold the boundary while acknowledging the emotion.

You don’t have to lecture.

You don’t have to make the feeling disappear.

Sometimes all your child needs to hear is:

“You really didn’t like that I took the colours. You got so upset. I see that.”

You’re communicating:

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand that you’re upset.

And I’m still going to keep this boundary.

That is a powerful combination.

If you are too busy, then just nod.

Feelings Are Allowed. Harmful Behavior Isn’t.

This is an important distinction I want my children to learn.

It is okay to feel angry.

It is okay to feel frustrated.

It is okay to feel disappointed.

It is okay to want to hit.

But wanting to hit does not mean you get to hit.

That’s where I step in.

“It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hurt me.”

The boundary protects everyone.

The acknowledgment protects the relationship.

And over time, children can learn that having a difficult feeling doesn’t make them bad—and that feelings and behavior are not the same thing.

Your child will feel safe when they know that they are not bad for having these feelings and you are there to help them stop, when they can’t stop themselves.

This is how they learn to regulate their feelings and consequently their behavior.

We all want our children to feel loved and accepted and trust us with their feelings, but the problem is we fail to understand how young children confide.

They do it by having a meltdown, going into a rage, yelling. And the only way they can do it is when they feel understood, accepted and loved during their most ugly, vulnerable state.

“You did not like I took the colors, you got so upset I see that”. See this as the most positive form of therapy that you can do with your child.

So that he doesn’t feel wrong or bad for having these feelings but his feelings are processed out of his body and he can be good again.

All the while learning a very important lesson – it is ok to have a feeling to hit, but it is not ok to actually hit.

The 3-Step Summary To Take Home:

1. State the boundary clearly
“You’re interested in touching this, but I can’t let you. It’s not safe.”

2. Enforce the boundary calmly
If the child continues, intervene rather than repeating the instruction ten times.

3. Allow the feeling, stop the behavior
“You really wanted to keep playing. I won’t let you hit.”

That’s the essence of respectful boundary setting for me: clear communication, calm follow-through and room for feelings.

Until my next one, share your thoughts, joys, pains, surprises and shocks of parenting…