Mom: Put your shoes on.”
Child: “Why?”
mom: “Because we’re leaving.”
Child: Where?”
Mom: “to the market.”
Child: “why?
Mom: i had told you before. Just put your shoes on?
Child: But why?
photo credit: unsplash
Does this sound familiar? Does your child argue about EVERYTHING?
Getting dressed.
Leaving the house.
Turning off the TV.
Cleaning up.
Does it feel like every simple request turns into a full-blown verbal battle. Until eventually you either yell…or give in…or end up saying:
“BECAUSE I SAID SO!” 😬
And then comes the guilt: “This isnt how i want to parent”
You might be wondering why does my child argue about EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!
Let me tell you something i bet you weren’t expecting – Because you let them.
Ok I know that sounds harsh. but I promise, I’m not blaming you.
Obviously, we all have the best intentions in Parenting.
But when a child argues with literally everything you say, they aren’t trying to win an debate—they’re testing whether your boundary is solid enough for them to feel safe.
And sometimes, without realizing it, the way we respond can turn a simple boundary into a debate.
Stick with me as i show you how to break the arguing cycle—without yelling, giving in, or turning into the “Because I said so!” parent.
And if you are already in there, you can absolutely turn this around. No matter how argumentative your child is!!!!
The secret isn’t in learning how to win the argument—it’s in building enough confidence in your boundary that you stop entering the courtroom in the first place. 😂
Why Does My Child Argue About Everything?
We all want our children to be assertive, confident and capable of making their own decisions. But we hate it when they start using those very skills on us. 😂 And rightly so!
Even though they are developing their age-appropriate skills, the natural tension that arises between a child trying to enforce their autonomy and a parent still needing to lead can become exhausting.
As parents we still want to be their leader. And we want our kids to be just that – KIDS!!!
But the interesting perspective is that children aren’t doing anything necessarily wrong. Before we jump into what to do when your child argues, it will help you to understand what’s behind your child’s resistance?
Are You Accidentally Turning Every Boundary Into a Debate?
When a child argues, we can easily fall into the cycle of negotiating, explaining, threatening or repeating ourselves:
“Come on.”
“I’m counting to three.”
“If you don’t come now…”
“How many times do I have to ask?”
However, more words don’t always make cooperation easier.
In fact, they can sometimes give the argument more room to grow. Have you heard the saying “the More You Debate, the More There Is to Debate.”
Children may have learned that arguing leads to a longer conversation—or they may simply be checking whether the boundary is actually flexible.
Either way, you can accidentally teach them:
The first request isn’t really the request.
The real request comes after I’ve argued long enough.
And suddenly, “Put your shoes on” has turned into a courtroom battle.
What to Do When Your Child Argues with Everything
The goal isn’t to stop your child from arguing, the goal is to stop participating in the argument.
stop asking and Start Leading
I know this one can feel scary at first.
You might be wondering: “Wont this just create another power struggle?”
But a power struggle can only happen when two people engage in it. When you lead, you are confidently in charge.
Instead of repeatedly asking:
“Are you ready to go?”
“Come on, are you coming?”
“Please, let’s go.”
And then waiting for your child to either comply or argue, you calmly make it clear
You don’t ask, “Are you ready to go now?” when you already know it’s time to leave.
You don’t need to say it five times, add a countdown, offer a bribe, or keep asking in different ways hoping your child will eventually agree.
You calmly communicate what is happening: “It’s time to go. ” And then quickly move into action.
When Your Child Resists, Help Them Move Forward
if your child resists, your instinct is to push harder. Try doing the opposite.
If he argues, don’t argue back.
If he resists, don’t match his energy.
If he refuses to move, don’t turn it into a battle of wills.
Instead, consider the resistance as a REQUEST FOR HELP.
Getting up, stopping play, leaving the house or transitioning from one thing to the next can be harder for children than we realize.
Your child may many times need your physical help in making the transition.
Stay calm. be clear about what’s happening and if he can’t manage the transition himself, step in and help him physically to move forward.
You can gently assist your child by offering your hand, helping them stand, walking alongside them, or, when appropriate, gently picking them up and carrying them.
For older kids, this might look different.
You may offer your hand, place your hand gently on their shoulder, or walk with them towards what needs to happen next.
The goal isn’t to overpower your child’s feelings or to physically force cooperation.
It’s to provide the support and leadership they need when they are struggling to make the transition themselves.
“I hear that you don’t want to go. And I’m going to help you.”
Acknowledge the feeling without giving up the boundary
Leading the transition doesn’t mean your child won’t get upset.
In fact, when you hold a boundary and don’t give your child what he wants, he might cry, argue, protest or get angry.
This is precisely where many parents start to second-guess themselves:
“Should i give him what he wants? am i being too strict? should i explain it one more time?”
It is at this exact moment that you need to be more confident than ever in your decision.
As a parent, you are responsible for making decisions your child isn’t yet equipped to make for themselves.
So trust yourself, stay confident in your decision and hold the boundary.
Allow your child to be genuinely upset about it. They have a right to thier own feelings regarding the decisions you make.
They can dislike your decision, disagree with it, or cry about it. None of those reactions mean that something terrible has happened or that your boundary is wrong.
Do not fall into the temptation of giving up the boundary to stop their discomfort
Instead acknowledge your child’s feelings. This empathetic validation is what truly makes your child feel seen and heard.
There is an important distinction that parents need to know – Connection doesn’t require agreement.
You can acknowledge their disappointment, frustration, anger, or resistance without giving them what they want.
“I hear you. You don’t agree with me, and that’s okay. We don’t have to agree.”
You’re not dismissing their feelings.
And you’re not saying, “Because I understand how you feel, i’ll change my mind”
You’re showing them something much more powerful:
“Your feelings are welcome here. And I can still be the parent.”
That’s not disconnection. That’s learning that big feelings can exist alongside loving boundaries.
What confident boundaries with an arguing child looks like in real life
If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary with a four-year-old, you know they come to the table like seasoned trial lawyers.
Here is a real-life example of how I set a confident boundary with my son:
I walked into the living room where he was completely immersed in his book.
Step 1: Stating The boundary
Me : “It’s 8 o’clock. close the book and put it away. Time to put on your pajamas.”
Him: “But I haven’t finished reading”
Me: “I know. its bedtime.”
Step 2 : the loophole the negotiations begin
Him: “But my teddy hasn’t finished reading!”
Me: “Teddy can read tomorrow. Lets get up ”
Him: “But I’m too tired to walk to the bathroom!”
Me: “I’ll help you get started. Come on.”
Him: “JUST ONE MORE PAGE!”
Step 3: The fairness argument
I reach for the book and keep it aside.
Him: “WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO BED WHEN YOU GET TO STAY UP? THAT’S NOT FAIR!”
Me: “You’re right. You don’t like that it’s bedtime. It’s still bedtime.”
him: “YOU’RE SO MEAN! I’M NEVER GOING TO SLEEP!”
STEP 4: The real test
He stomps, cries and clings to the sofa.
For a moment, i feel tempted to explain why sleep matters, defend my decision and promise something in return.
Instead, I paused, took a breath, and got down to his level.
“You really wanted to keep reading. It’s hard to stop when you’re not ready. I’m here to help you. Let’s get your pajamas.”
He continued protesting, but I stayed calm and physically guided him towards the bedroom (imperfectly)—without reopening the debate.
💡 The takeaway:
Your child can disagree with the boundary.
They can be angry about it.
They can even think you’re the meanest parent in the world.
You don’t have to win the argument. You simply have to lead the transition.
Until my next one share your thoughts, delights, pains and surprises of parenting
